| Weekends at a time |
[Jul. 10th, 2009|12:02 am] |
Today I went on my 10th interview of the summer. Guess how it turned out? Yea... But tomorrow is number 11, and a bright new day right? I have been seeing a lot of former work friends, which is seriously upping the self pity. Tonight we went out and talked about the good old times - the good old times which I completely hated when I was living them. Last summer I had the most traumatizing 3 days any girl could hope for, but now I am sitting in a bar fondly reminiscing.
So my question to you is, what should I do for the next year? We are looking for a new place to rent, but do I want to stay in Vancouver for another year? What could I do instead? I need some sort of plan, and I have absolutely nothing. All I want is a job in exploration, but I think I have some time to kill before that will realistically happen. So suggest an insane plan, and I will probably do it, because the idea of hanging around here is too painful to bare. Unless I get this job at Balloon World tomorrow... because you know that is a great opportunity. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2009|06:44 pm] |
|
Three days with no internet and no friends may have caused lasting psychological damage. Also made me realize I am far worse at chess than I wanted to believe. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 25th, 2009|02:29 am] |
Today was insanely great, which is quite frankly the least that could have happened to make me feel like a human again. I have been freaking out about work, since a lot of my friends have recently picked up their dream jobs while I was watching EdTV. As much as I enjoy bad 90's movies, I enjoy a feeling of fulfillment in my professional life more. So anyways, was freaking out, am now slightly calmer. We will refer to this as Miracle Day 2009. I watched the animated Watchmen series. Very fragmented talking. Quite unappealing. No intonation. Oh, but today! I am now in the works for an interview for an internship, a three person date with love-of-life-since-November, possible real (REAL!!!!) job with Hawthorn, and (AND)date with love-of-life-since-1st-year. I really don't expect much to come of any of this, but it is somehow reassuring that the universe doesn't hate me: everything which fucks up in my life for the next week or so will be entirely my own fault. The universe tried to help, but realistically now, we can only hold it accountable for so much.
Actually, in the sober light of 3am, saying I would go on a date with 1st year love was a pretty dumb move. I guess I had better get trashed tomorrow to make this seem logical. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 13th, 2009|11:19 pm] |
|
I am quite awesomely irresponsible. Terrible role model for children but hilarious drinking buddy. Enjoyer of hot dogs and short sentences. I hate pants now, and try not to wear them. Mission accomplished. |
|
|
| people like to put things in the ground |
[Jun. 3rd, 2009|11:51 pm] |
Turns out the mature life of a university graduate greatly resembles the slacker life of a university student. At least that is the case when said mature adult has no prospect of an actual job, where, by actual, I mean something I took 5 years out of my life to learn to do. But, I do have two job interviews today wherein I get to highlight my extensive knowledge of data entry and talking to foreigners. Hurrah!
Shit job situation aside, it has been a sweet week and a bit. Sasquatch was monumental - monuments were literally constructed to commemorate the ridiculousness. If I were a stronger person, and more capable of handling all-night drug benders, I wouldn't have minded living that way for a long while. As it is though, I got home and slept for 30 hours straight, and couldn't feel my left arm for a while.
After that I got a few days of gardening work which resulted in a few bucks, legs that were too sore to walk on, and an inability to wear pants for three days. That ended and I spent a few days playing RISK, hiking the chief, and watching movies blissfully. And now we are up to today. Yes, not a bad week. Being in the city for the summer is turning out to be fun... but the best thing that could happen to me is still to be swept away to somewhere dismal and cold and get to look at rocks for 4 months. |
|
|
| If you feel like dancing, dance with me. |
[May. 14th, 2009|07:17 pm] |
I am fresh back from field school and after a long shower and an extensive cruise of facebook I don't really know what to do with myself. I am done school forever. Yesterday I finished off my last ever mapping assignment, and as we walked back to the car it started to snow. Natures grand finale. Whenever I leave camp I get this empty feeling which reminds me how dependent on other people I can become. After two weeks of constant companionship coming home and sitting alone in your room feels vaguely uncomfortable. Last night we had a dance party with 30 people crammed in a cabin dancing to the strobe setting on our head lamps. Today there are only two people in the house, and they aren't dancing at all. I am not ready to readjust back to mellow lazy Kelly.
And I am worried about getting a job. I realized in the last two weeks that, actually, everyone has found a job. everyone but me. Which means this isn't the recession at work; it's just me sucking. So I need to redouble my efforts and somehow get someone to hire me. One girl said her boss was a pervert who only hired nubile young girls. I may email him. |
|
|
| We've got a war to fight |
[Apr. 11th, 2009|02:51 am] |
|
Turns out, as soon as my life looses all direction and my roommates go away, I turn into the crazy lady who wanders around the apartment with headphones on all day and becomes a ball of whimper whenever Portishead comes on. Everyone wants me to be here for the summer, and I am trying to be excited for it, but really I want to get as far away from here as fast as possible. And everyone knows it, because I am shitty at lying. All I have ever wanted is to be taken to some random unknown place for four months of the year, and honestly, it feels a bit unfair that the powers that be won't let that happen. I think I have been fairly undemanding over the years, so why the shit have you stuck me here over the summer?! I don't want to be here. I need to find a way out. I have been applying for jobs, but don't know how to go about it, because there is no way to say in a cover letter that I will do ANYTHING. I applied for a security job for a casino saying I have a range of 5 inches with a .44. It's the closest I can come up with to an applicable skill, but somehow I don't think it is bringing the employers a-flocking. I never though after all this I would actually regret my lack of customer service experience, but now it's come to the point where my only skill is the ability to shoot the customer, and I don't know how the fuck I can even pretend that however I will make my living this summer holds any dignity. It doesn't. I need a walkabout - BC version. That means going into the Rockies and not coming home until you can braid your beard. Which means it would take me about 3 years... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 26th, 2009|12:08 am] |
Today the internet told me "the ONLY things worth living for are LOVE and HAPPINESS." Complete with capital letters. I was like, thanks for driving that one right through the heart buddy. Then I slapped the internet because it totally had it coming.
Which isn't to say stuff hasn't been good: I went to a great concert, got drunk and mocked movie geology, finished a paper, and ate chocolate cake. Not a bad week all in all. But I am at that unfortunate stage where something awesome is feasible, making everything else slightly depressing in comparison.
It has taken ridiculous self restraint to not write here all week. I have the compulsion to write down every miserable thing I think of instead of writing down a single but cohesive thing which can then be turned into teachers for glorious passing grades. I haven't even read my sources for the paper that is due Monday, let alone written it. I figure if I steal the background from one friend and my data from another then is like an original paper. Go Geology! |
|
|
| I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you. |
[Mar. 18th, 2009|01:17 am] |
Kelly is drunk! Again! Life is still generally shit. I'm still not leaving my house much, and still on the verge of failing everything I have ever worked for because of it. I'm still sleeping until 3 and waiting until there are 3 days left to write 10 page papers (seriously, how will I pull this off?? I don't even know). But, one seriously awesome thing has changed. I spend a lot of time imagining how my life might somehow take a turn for the better: minute instances that could maybe happen and change everything around. One of the myriad things I have imagined ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!
I am so glad I watched those terrible Warhammer battles in highschool. |
|
|
| we are the stones that don`t skip so well. |
[Mar. 15th, 2009|02:38 am] |
Kelly is the drunk! My friend came back from traveling Australia and China and all those bits in between the two, and we had a great welcome back time tonight. He confessed that once, in second year, he lied to me. He got an eyebrow ring, and it`s on the same side as mine, and as weird as it is, I sort of want to put mine back in so we can form an odd eyebrow ringed club. But I guess that is why I got one in the first place right? So people would know which club I wanted to be a part of.
While in Australia he had a climbing accident and his partner died. I feel like I might have a lot to offer him because of dealing with previous climbing accident situations, but I am not sure how happy he would be to hear my experiences applied to his life like they are directly applicable. It's always a pretty coarse translation between your personal experience and what other people are going through, and when death is involved you really don't want to cock up.
I caught up with Martin tonight, which I am very pleased about. Since we got back from Vegas, Martin and I had not really been on the same page, and hadn't been talking much. It got to the point where I was out with Eric a few days ago and realized I was more in touch with my Ex than I was with my close friend. No more! I like the people who were out tonight. They feel like a balancing force. I had a long argument with the new geophysics guy about why FORTRAN and MatLab are useless, and all you need to get by are Maple and Python. I miss geophysics. |
|
|
| waiting for tomorrow all of my life |
[Mar. 3rd, 2009|12:30 am] |
That's right, I know everything you did in 2005. That's right, we've never met. Congratulations, you have just acquired a stalker. Yay for you! To be perfectly honest though, I have started to resent you. It is clearly your fault that I am not studying for my midterm. Had you not written so prolifically, I would know everything about structural geology and be a genius by now. On the bright side, there are only another 3 years to go..
I am just failing epically. We had a field trip this weekend and a guy I like showed the bad judgment of giving me just enough attention to allow me a vague nebulous hope that maybe - just maybe - I have some chance with him. My reaction is entirely freaking me out: not only because it is completely unhealthy, but mostly because I know that once I get crazy like this it never works out. Statistics are not pointing towards this resolving itself favorably. Statistically, I am about 80% certain to get mad drunk, confess a creepy devotion to him, and then refuse to make eye contact ever again. The fact that I do this often enough to make a data set is another concerning thing.
Tomorrow there is a Q and A for our midterm, but I will have no questions because I have done no studying. And I will get a mediocre grade and work somewhere unimpressive this summer and then what? On the ferry home this weekend there were about 15 of us sharing the paper or reading magazines. Two people were reading the sports page, three girls were reading a cosmo, and the rest of us had articles about the recession. There is nothing more depressing then 10 hungover geologists reading about the failure of industry. |
|
|
| Dance, Motherfucker, Dance! |
[Feb. 23rd, 2009|01:36 am] |
I had a dream that I got 0% on both my upcoming midterms and woke up crying. Can not fail. I don't deal well with pressure though, since my natural instinct is to hovel in bed. So today I watched P.S. I Love you and moped. Funny how the only time I'm really bitter about my love life is when I have serious work to get done. I suppose I've always done that: when one bad thing happens I associate it with every other bad thing that has ever happened to me ever until I disproportionally freak out and don't leave my room for a week.
Vegas was good fun, and I did nothing to regret. That's a nice change of pace. Four days with some people is too many days, but with some other people it's not nearly enough and you consider chaining them to you so they are forced to be with you always. Unfortunately I left my bondage gear at home, so they made an escape.
I found my dream job two days ago and promptly applied for it in an insanely overzealous way which I am sure will scare them off. I think my cover letter was to the effect of "Seriously, I'm perfect for this job and I will have your babies if you give it to me. PLEASE." I like to lie in bed after I've woken up and fake dream, which basically means imagine while horizontal, but whatever. Anyways, I have been fake dreaming a lot about getting this (or any) job, tricking someone to be handcuffed to me, and building an adobe home out in the wilderness. It's lots of fun, but really cuts into my functioning in reality time. Today I woke up at 10 and got out of bed at 1. That's just weird. |
|
|
| Hedonistic Me |
[Feb. 5th, 2009|12:15 am] |
When I sail back home to you, I know exactly just what to do. And when I take these winds to home I know I wont be alone. And when I hang my trousers dry I know it won't just be you and I. Cuz there'll be ma and pa and grandmama and all the children I have fathered yea. You know I have, I have a knack for anything that uses my back and I will work, will work these fields 'cause it's the only thing that's real. And when I raise, raise my hands up high I know it won't just be you and I 'cause there'll be sun and snow and a horse Jethro and all the children I have fathered. And I will learn to cook for you. It's one thing that I plan to learn to do. And I will make sweet dandelion wine and there'll be no search for time. Spend all our lives just having lives, and there'll be no time for any lies. There's just mares-eat-oats and no more lows and all the children I have fathered.
That song is the closest anything has ever come to convincing me that having a family is a good idea. But I think it would be quite nice without any of the fathered children.
It`s been an intense month. We had a students geology conference followed by an industry geology conference. The consensus: I`m fucked. There aren't any jobs right now, and the few there are by summer will not be going to me. The closest to a contact that I made was this dude Bob who has been harassing me for 3 years now. He owned a company with my father and enjoys getting drunk and telling me incredibly awkward stories about my family. Fucking hate that guy, but maybe he can get me a job. If not, menial labor has never really rubbed me the wrong way. Eric knows this girl who he did his masters with that got laid off so she had to start working at a bookstore. Then she found out she was getting laid off from the bookstore. I don't have a masters, so I can't complain about a damn thing.
It feels like I am running out of train tracks and will just plunge off into nothing soon. But in the best way possible: I am still on the tracks for another 3 months, and maybe if I don't think about it they will build themselves. Maybe? Until then there is lots of fun stuff to look forward to. We found two guys to come with us to Vegas, and in an awesome plot twist one of them happens to be the guy I have decided I like quite a bit. I would like to pretend I will be able to make it through 4 days without humiliating myself, but I know myself far to well.
Last night I had a dream that I was on a ship, and the magician on the ship was recognizable Blair French but he had become ridiculously gorgeous. We caught up, and I went back to his cabin where he started to change. He unzipped his face and looked like normal Blair again. I said that was really freaky, and how did he do that? He said.."No, I need to be completely honest", unzipped another layer, and was Clarissa. Turns out, in my dream, Clarissa actually invented Blair and any time they were seen together in high school was an animatronic Blair. She bribed Brett to pretend he had a brother. All in all... it was a weird dream. |
|
|
| love and happiness |
[Dec. 7th, 2008|12:30 am] |
Tis the season for exams... fa la la la la. I can't wait for the next week to be over. I can't wait to barely pass and have a fresh, maybe less pitiful, start next semester. I was out with some friends, and I mentioned how usually by this point in the end of term process I would have had a decent sized mental breakdown. I miss the breakdown. I want to freak out and cry and worry about how I will do on my exams, but I just don't care enough.
Lately there are a lot of aspects of my life which I can clearly see deserve some amount of interest, or concern, or vague emotional imput, but I just couldn't be arsed. Is better to hold on and see if human emotion kicks in, or to cut and run? Martin said that the reason he never meets anyone is because he just has so much fun with his friends. I am beginning to agree. It feels like there is no hole here for someone else to fill. I invited Martin home for part of Christmas break, and I really hope he ends up coming. I like my friends a heck of a lot. My more than friends? Well, that is still up for debate. |
|
|
| The senses we’ve honed don’t work anymore than they used to work. |
[Nov. 3rd, 2008|07:24 pm] |
|
I re-read my old diary entry's, and at first I was impressed that I wasn't completely ridiculous back then. Then I became very, very scared by the fact that I still judge myself 7 years ago as a pretty decent person. I feel like I've covered nothing since then. I have a date in the traditional sense of the word, and I'm terrified. How do people do this? How have I never done this? What's wrong with the the tried and true method of just getting drunk and hoping for the best?! Even thinking about it mostly just makes me want to get drunk. |
|
|
| Teen angst at the age of 21 |
[Oct. 27th, 2008|12:22 am] |
For the last few weeks I haven't been a huge fan of myself. I did some pretty embarrassing stuff to myself and some shitty stuff to other people and all in all was unimpressed. I stopped going to school and stopped caring and started laying in bed all day. Turns out, if I lay in bed one day it completely sucks my motivation to get out of bed the next day. And if I drink at night... well you can just forget about my functioning the next day. I have made it through 3 weeks of complete removal from the world, and now, I think, I'm done. I hope I'm done. Now it is on to the next stage of adolescent coping mechanisms: sweet mind altering drugs. tonight was a half bottle of wine and crappy English paper night, but damn if I didn't enjoy it. I'm starting to think that I haven't been nearly reckless enough with my life. Not my live or die life, my succeed or fail life. A little more random could make things much better, or at least much less painful while the failure is occurring. I was out with some masters students on Friday, and felt the full force of my fail. I guess what I've gathered from the last few weeks is that I am built to cope with things on my own, by sleeping, but I want to mix shit up and start coping with other people, by experimenting. With what you ask? With anything. Fuck, the time is fast approaching when I will have to be reliable in a way I've never managed before; may as well be reckless while I can.
Life is kind of shit right now, but I am really afraid to move forward. It may be bad now, but I feel like worse is coming on the horizon. Instead of moving on, I would much rather act out. |
|
|
| pretty melodies telling me terrible things |
[Jun. 1st, 2008|07:35 pm] |
|
I can't take another day here. I need out NOW, and there is a snowstorm trying to disagree with me, which is making me very very angry. Doesn't it understand that this isn't a question of convenience? it is necessity that I get the fuck out of this camp right away or shit will hit the fan. This has been one of the worst days of my life, and tomorrow will only be worse. Fuck. |
|
|
| all fires have to burn alive |
[May. 15th, 2008|06:40 pm] |
Camp is dull. Very very unspeakably dull. Yesterday I was close to tears thinking about sitting at the inner harbor with a bubble tea. We have spent more time than not fogged into camp, which means that there has been no core which means there has been nothing for me to do. Which means I spend my time thinking about how amazing it would be to not be here. Right now we have a lovely blizzard.
All the same people, same job, same place, same everything. Things could not be any more static and uninteresting, and I am starting to really regret coming back here. And now it seems like whatever does change is for the worse. I have a feeling that by the end of the season all of my happy memories from last year will be obliterated and replaced by anxiousness and boredom. Should have cut and run while the memories were fresh. Maybe something good can come out of this season but I really, really doubt it.. Damn. |
|
|
| things I could have said on any given day |
[Feb. 24th, 2008|02:04 am] |
-wake up at 8am
-floss
-study an hour a day
-be off computer by 10pm
-drink 8 glasses of water a day
-stop biting nails
That was my new years list. I think I may try them all again. People around me are being very put together lately and I am feeling bad about my complete lack of motivation in anything ever. Everyone says exercise gives you energy (wouldn't know first hand) but I can't be bothered to do that either. I am really clear on what I want to somehow have gotten done, just not on how to do it. Maybe I should take up a cocaine habit.. that would probably give me the kick in the pants I am looking for. I can't see any downsides! |
|
|
| goddamn your eyes, they just had to be twin prizes waiting for the sun |
[Oct. 23rd, 2007|11:54 pm] |
Today at 11:30 am, sitting in bed with the sun coming up I knew today would be awful, and I was so happy right then. I wish today hadn't happened. Last night I dreamed of facebook messages from someone I want to hate me but who doesn't even know who I am. I have been so goddamn passive lately, thinking that was what I wanted, and it was until today when all of a sudden I am pissed as hell about everything that has happened. I doubt there is anything I could have done anyways, but I don't know for sure because I never tried.
Last night I dragged some friends to Ted Leo, and it ended up being a very fun night. I may be responsible for a new relationship, though only after people get back from Armenia. I was out with 4 people last night, and of us I am the only person who will be here two weeks from now. They are all going fun foreign places and I am stuck here failing exams because I am to hungover to think. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|